This recipe has quickly become one of the most useful recipes in my arsenal, especially as a college student with a limited budget. It's super simple, but tastes like a piece of home when you're at school. And of course, it's vegan! No, these aren't the flax-seed or banana pancakes that I'm sure you think of when you hear 'vegan pancakes'. These aren't the healthiest, or the most nutritious, but they do taste like genuine 'non-vegan' pancakes. Even my little sister — who HATES vegan food — admits these pancakes are the best.
PREP TIME: 5 mins COOK TIME: 30 mins SERVES: 20 pancakes
INGREDIENTS
WHITE FLOUR (2 1/4 cups)
CORNSTARCH (3 tbsp)
BAKING POWDER (3 tbsp)
BAKING SODA (1/2 tsp)
SALT (pinch)
MAPLE SYRUP (6 tbsp)
APPLE CIDER VINEGAR (3 tsp)
ALMOND MILK (2 1/2 cups)
VEGETABLE OIL (6 tbsp)
* cinnamon to taste (~ 3/4 tsp) *
RECIPE
Start by mixing together all the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Make sure there are no clumps and the mixture is even. Then add the wet ingredients and whisk the batter so that the consistency smooth. If the batter is not runny enough, like the picture shown above, add more almond milk.
To cook the pancakes I usually ladle out about 1/4 cup of batter onto a pan and let the bottom side cook for 30 seconds to a minute on low heat. I prefer to use a non-stick pan so that you do not have to grease the pan with oil after every pancake. Make sure to check the edges as the first side cooks. It will begin to rise when it is ready to be flipped. After flipping, allow about 30 seconds on the other side and then cook for 2 minutes on each side so the pancake is cooked through. If the pancakes are still soft in the center after cooking, add a 1/2 tsp of baking soda and a pinch of salt to the batter and whisk thoroughly. This will help the batter rise and let heat enter when cooking.
The pancakes should be a light golden brown when they are cooked. If not, add a bit more oil to the batter to help with browning. Personally I prefer mine a little crispy on the outside, so I cook them on medium heat for a few seconds.
Pile the pancakes high and serve with fresh fruit! Or a bit of vegan butter and syrup, my personal favorite. They can also be frozen and reheated for a quick breakfast or a sweet dessert.
SWEATER - FOREVER21
SHORTS - FOREVER21
JACKET - ZARA
TIGHTS - TARGET
BOOTIES - STEVE MADDEN
LIPSTICK - MAYBELLINE - CRAZY FOR COFFEE
I just came back from another meeting feeling empty and exhausted. Another day went by where I expended the little energy I had left to fight a losing battle. You ever walk into a meeting and you know nothing is going to be accomplished because everyone is just there for themselves? And as soon as you leave that room, all the agreements are forgotten and the bonds dissolved as the participants rush to disclose information to 'their people'.
We were all friends to begin with. Close friends with a common 'enemy' per say, that united us like none other. We spent countless hours together without a thought that this would end. I don't think anyone thought that they weren't safe, or maybe that was just me being naive. But then everything changed... and should I have seen it coming? Probably.
We were all friends to begin with. Close friends with a common 'enemy' per say, that united us like none other. We spent countless hours together without a thought that this would end. I don't think anyone thought that they weren't safe, or maybe that was just me being naive. But then everything changed... and should I have seen it coming? Probably.
People are just so intent on always knowing things. And believe me, I'm like that too. A desire to be in control? Check. After all, knowledge is power and more knowledge means more power. But at school it goes beyond checking in on your BFF to see how her day was. It's not just checking in anymore, it's trying to get precious details about her relationship with a new guy. Those details add to their relationship's value. But as soon as the relationship doesn't seem like a profitable investment, those secrets aren't safe anymore and could be sold in a heartbeat. It's a power competition. A great stock exchange mediated by the most two faced brokers that buy and sell friendships like stock, in exchange for secrets and scandals that add to your profit and increase your buying power.
Friendship in college is sometimes, often times rather, a stock exchange of friendships. It's people competing to buy and sell each other depending on their worth and always for personal gain. Who can become the biggest shareholder of the most popular, and sought-after, stock. Friendships are bought and sold with eyes on the prize — personal gain and the most valuable portfolio filled with assets. No one is safe.
It's such as shame really because this isn't what college friendships are always like. There are some really amazing ones that make you feel like you've found your second family. There is no need for excessive display 'enjoyment' on Snapchat because you're already content with your people. You don't need to prove anything to anyone else. There is no fear that you might lose your investment. The relationship is safe, tucked away in your savings, never to be sold. There's trust and care and people actually put others before themselves. Secrets are safe and relationship shareholders are equal.
But then there's the other side — the 'watch your back' side. Or maybe the 'you should've watched your back side but now it's too late' side. The friendships that die out quick, that are short lived. They're like a sparkler that burns bright for a little while but is put out in seconds as soon as a shareholder thinks it's too much of a risky investment. Or maybe that it costs too much. Or maybe they rather invest elsewhere, in a more valuable relationship.
I say all this because this is the reality of life, not just college. Frankly I thought fake friends and selfish relationships were a thing of high school. I know that people come in and out of our lives naturally, unoffensively (is that a word?) — it's a fact that needs to be accepted, but it's also something that I struggle with. I am writing about this now because I think maybe I should've been more guarded. Maybe I should've watched my back. And this is hard for me because I can be a very opinionated person (I'm working on this). I don't get close to people easily, so when I do the walls just come crashing down and I trust before I fall and leap before I look.
No — this isn't just a salty rant. I have a feeling most of my personal blog posts are going to start out like this... but there's a point to all of them I promise! I guess I just wish I had been a little wiser before investing so much in others who had no intention of holding onto our relationship. There is SO MUCH pressure, especially on college girls, to find their 'soulmates' in Freshman year and have it all figured out. No I'm not talking about their romantic partner. I mean their group, their people, their girl-gang. Why do so many girls (and others, just speaking from my experience here) seek out a sorority within the first two years of college? Part of it is because there is that underlying pressure to find a family to stand by your side for the next 4 or so years...
... and there's nothing wrong with that — except for when that pressure leads you to hold onto the wrong people, and give yourself up for them. It happens. It's happened to me, a few times. I'm so sentimental I can hardly throw away a concert ticket, how am I supposed to throw away a person!? But the thing is, it's not throwing away a person, it's recognizing that what's best for you isn't someone who takes advantage of you. It isn't someone who's phone is filled with screenshots of your secrets. It's not someone who treats you like a sidekick. It's not someone who's only there to feel like they're on top. And it's certainly not a group of girls that sell out each other for secrets like their time is running out. Leave that situation immediately.
Believe me, there are better people out there. I know how distancing yourself from toxic people can feel. It feels like it's your loss right? Crazy how we still feel like we're losing even though we know what we've been through to come to this decision... The secrets behind your back, the invitations without your name on them... Even when you're making the right decision for yourself, you pause and wonder "what if things change?" NAH B. Friends don't intentionally hurt each other. And good people don't need to feel the power high that toxic people get when they sell out their 'friends' for attention.
Friendship in college is sometimes, often times rather, a stock exchange of friendships. It's people competing to buy and sell each other depending on their worth and always for personal gain. Who can become the biggest shareholder of the most popular, and sought-after, stock. Friendships are bought and sold with eyes on the prize — personal gain and the most valuable portfolio filled with assets. No one is safe.
It's such as shame really because this isn't what college friendships are always like. There are some really amazing ones that make you feel like you've found your second family. There is no need for excessive display 'enjoyment' on Snapchat because you're already content with your people. You don't need to prove anything to anyone else. There is no fear that you might lose your investment. The relationship is safe, tucked away in your savings, never to be sold. There's trust and care and people actually put others before themselves. Secrets are safe and relationship shareholders are equal.
But then there's the other side — the 'watch your back' side. Or maybe the 'you should've watched your back side but now it's too late' side. The friendships that die out quick, that are short lived. They're like a sparkler that burns bright for a little while but is put out in seconds as soon as a shareholder thinks it's too much of a risky investment. Or maybe that it costs too much. Or maybe they rather invest elsewhere, in a more valuable relationship.
I say all this because this is the reality of life, not just college. Frankly I thought fake friends and selfish relationships were a thing of high school. I know that people come in and out of our lives naturally, unoffensively (is that a word?) — it's a fact that needs to be accepted, but it's also something that I struggle with. I am writing about this now because I think maybe I should've been more guarded. Maybe I should've watched my back. And this is hard for me because I can be a very opinionated person (I'm working on this). I don't get close to people easily, so when I do the walls just come crashing down and I trust before I fall and leap before I look.
No — this isn't just a salty rant. I have a feeling most of my personal blog posts are going to start out like this... but there's a point to all of them I promise! I guess I just wish I had been a little wiser before investing so much in others who had no intention of holding onto our relationship. There is SO MUCH pressure, especially on college girls, to find their 'soulmates' in Freshman year and have it all figured out. No I'm not talking about their romantic partner. I mean their group, their people, their girl-gang. Why do so many girls (and others, just speaking from my experience here) seek out a sorority within the first two years of college? Part of it is because there is that underlying pressure to find a family to stand by your side for the next 4 or so years...
... and there's nothing wrong with that — except for when that pressure leads you to hold onto the wrong people, and give yourself up for them. It happens. It's happened to me, a few times. I'm so sentimental I can hardly throw away a concert ticket, how am I supposed to throw away a person!? But the thing is, it's not throwing away a person, it's recognizing that what's best for you isn't someone who takes advantage of you. It isn't someone who's phone is filled with screenshots of your secrets. It's not someone who treats you like a sidekick. It's not someone who's only there to feel like they're on top. And it's certainly not a group of girls that sell out each other for secrets like their time is running out. Leave that situation immediately.
Believe me, there are better people out there. I know how distancing yourself from toxic people can feel. It feels like it's your loss right? Crazy how we still feel like we're losing even though we know what we've been through to come to this decision... The secrets behind your back, the invitations without your name on them... Even when you're making the right decision for yourself, you pause and wonder "what if things change?" NAH B. Friends don't intentionally hurt each other. And good people don't need to feel the power high that toxic people get when they sell out their 'friends' for attention.
As soon as I realized all this, I took myself out of the situation and felt free. I no longer felt like I was the problem, like I wasn't worth enough to keep around or keep in the loop. I am at peace with myself knowing I am enough for the true friends that value me for the person I am, not a stock. The thing about the stock market is, you don't have to participate in it. And you don't have to be a part of the Friendship Stock Exchange either. The sooner you free yourself from the toxic people that gamble your worth, the sooner you'll realize that your best bet is to take yourself out of the Exchange, before someone makes that decision for you.
TURTLENECK - FOREVER21
PANTS - ZARA
JACKET - ZARA
BOOTIES - NORDSTROM
LIQUID LIPSTICK - MAC - DANCE WITH ME
* sorry about the lack of photos - some days just aren't photogenic days lolz *
DADDY ISSUES: Why are we attracted to men just like our fathers?
By Unknown - December 04, 2018
Well, believe it or not, there's a lot more behind this than just the Electra complex.
A quick recount of our exes and the guys we've been with, might just show us some surprising similarities. But for some of us, meaning myself, maybe we had known all along...?
For those of us who don't have the best relationship with our father, our dream man is as polar opposite from him as can be. But somehow we always end up with some guy, tallying the similarities to our father, while we hope and pray that these things will change. But the reality is this: you can never count on anyone to change – only yourself.
Don't get me wrong – I love my Papa to the end, but we're just not compatible; so I've been determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. So back to the question, why do I always find myself with a guy who I can't help but see resemblance to my father?
Yes, I actually did research to find the answer to this one, and it goes deeper than a Neo-Freudian theory or Greek mythology.
The Electra Complex, or Carl Jung's psychoanalytic theory that we know informally as being a "Daddy's Girl," proposes that daughters are in competition with their mothers for possession of their father. Ha...How is it that childhood sentiments turn so dark so easily? It's like unearthing the Brothers Grimm newest, never-before-seen, twisted tale: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:" A battle between step-mother and step-daughter to be the fairest of them all. Or maybe the Brothers knew of this theory all along!
The logic continues... Basically the early communication between father and daughter serves as an example for interaction with the opposite sex later in the daughter's life. As infants we develop an idea of what 'love' is based on the caregivers in our lives, and we seek out that type of 'love' in our future sexual partners. Even lesbian women find themselves attracted to women like their mothers, or adopted mothers. It's not a genetic phenomena, it's just imprinting. That sense of familiarity is what we crave and we go looking for in our partners. And that's exactly why we are stuck in this cycle of ending up with guys who share shocking similarities with our father's.
In my research I found a quote by Relationship Therapist Dr. Judith Wright that made everything clear to me:
"You're picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around."
That explains the nagging voice in my head telling me to wait until he changes. Or maybe that voice is in my heart..
Is that why I'm hopelessly attracted to emotionally unavailable guys with addictive personalities who need saving from themselves? Because my father was absent from my life in an emotional capacity and I'm desperately trying to find someone like him to change into the attentive 'father figure' I've always wanted?
That would explain nearly every single dysfunctional relationship and interaction with a guy I've ever had. And let's be honest, I'm sure a lot of us who knew we didn't want a man like our inattentive fathers kept that in the back of our minds while we silently scanned each potential bachelor for an ounce of similarity to prep ourselves for the work that needed to be done. But at the same time, I always say, if you go searching hard enough to find something, you're going to find it. And the same goes for subconsciously trying to prepare yourself for your greatest fear, an empty partner who prolongs the emptiness you've felt growing up. If you keep looking for the tiniest similarity, you're going to find it and you're going to sabotage yourself.
This is not to say ignore the obvious warning signs. If a relationship is not going to work, it will reveal that to you. There's only a certain amount of time you can go around in circles, without progress, trying to fix something, or someone, who doesn't want to be fixed.
But what about avoiding the problem from the beginning? How does one avoid the pull of the Electra Complex when half the time, we're not even aware that it's happening?
The first step to solving a problem is finding its source. Do you feel like you keep falling for the wrong guys? Or maybe, do you know your relationship isn't for you but you feel the need to stay in it? Do you keep thinking that 'this time he'll be different,' or 'he's capable of changing'? Perhaps the problem lies somewhere else and you think maybe this person will fix things. Think hard... really hard about your past relationships with the opposite sex. Obviously 'Daddy Issues' isn't the answer to every relationship problem, but it could be your answer.
So if any of this resonates with you, then what do you do next? Jump ship from your current relationship? Say goodbye to ever looking at another man in bed without seeing your father instead? Nah. This isn't one of those twisted fairytales.
Now that you've found the source of your problem, be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Talk to them AND yourself about where your impulses may be coming from. Think about how serious some of your desires to change this person may be, and consider if it's worth it in the long run. Don't let your insecurities from your childhood dictate your future. Unfortunately, you can't change the past, and turning an emotionally unavailable man into an open book won't turn back time and create the father-daughter bond you've always wanted. But thank goodness it won't, because every relationship we have is a new story that doesn't have to end up like our parent's marriage.
Clearly I am one of those people that always had this notion in the back of my mind, scanning possible bachelors and ending up in another dysfunctional relationship, thinking there is no way out of this cycle. But each relationship is a new story, and while I can see my partner as a different person from my father, I can't change things about them that inherently upset me. I can, however, change my habit of falling prey to my insecurities that whisper, 'stay, wait and see,' while I know all along I've been miserable. The true way to win is to listen to your gut a.k.a. that first thought you have when you react to being ignored yet again or feeling unloved, those are your true desires trying to break free from your Electra that ties you to the past.
A quick recount of our exes and the guys we've been with, might just show us some surprising similarities. But for some of us, meaning myself, maybe we had known all along...?
For those of us who don't have the best relationship with our father, our dream man is as polar opposite from him as can be. But somehow we always end up with some guy, tallying the similarities to our father, while we hope and pray that these things will change. But the reality is this: you can never count on anyone to change – only yourself.
Don't get me wrong – I love my Papa to the end, but we're just not compatible; so I've been determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. So back to the question, why do I always find myself with a guy who I can't help but see resemblance to my father?
Yes, I actually did research to find the answer to this one, and it goes deeper than a Neo-Freudian theory or Greek mythology.
The Electra Complex, or Carl Jung's psychoanalytic theory that we know informally as being a "Daddy's Girl," proposes that daughters are in competition with their mothers for possession of their father. Ha...How is it that childhood sentiments turn so dark so easily? It's like unearthing the Brothers Grimm newest, never-before-seen, twisted tale: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:" A battle between step-mother and step-daughter to be the fairest of them all. Or maybe the Brothers knew of this theory all along!
The logic continues... Basically the early communication between father and daughter serves as an example for interaction with the opposite sex later in the daughter's life. As infants we develop an idea of what 'love' is based on the caregivers in our lives, and we seek out that type of 'love' in our future sexual partners. Even lesbian women find themselves attracted to women like their mothers, or adopted mothers. It's not a genetic phenomena, it's just imprinting. That sense of familiarity is what we crave and we go looking for in our partners. And that's exactly why we are stuck in this cycle of ending up with guys who share shocking similarities with our father's.
In my research I found a quote by Relationship Therapist Dr. Judith Wright that made everything clear to me:
"You're picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around."
That explains the nagging voice in my head telling me to wait until he changes. Or maybe that voice is in my heart..
Is that why I'm hopelessly attracted to emotionally unavailable guys with addictive personalities who need saving from themselves? Because my father was absent from my life in an emotional capacity and I'm desperately trying to find someone like him to change into the attentive 'father figure' I've always wanted?
That would explain nearly every single dysfunctional relationship and interaction with a guy I've ever had. And let's be honest, I'm sure a lot of us who knew we didn't want a man like our inattentive fathers kept that in the back of our minds while we silently scanned each potential bachelor for an ounce of similarity to prep ourselves for the work that needed to be done. But at the same time, I always say, if you go searching hard enough to find something, you're going to find it. And the same goes for subconsciously trying to prepare yourself for your greatest fear, an empty partner who prolongs the emptiness you've felt growing up. If you keep looking for the tiniest similarity, you're going to find it and you're going to sabotage yourself.
This is not to say ignore the obvious warning signs. If a relationship is not going to work, it will reveal that to you. There's only a certain amount of time you can go around in circles, without progress, trying to fix something, or someone, who doesn't want to be fixed.
But what about avoiding the problem from the beginning? How does one avoid the pull of the Electra Complex when half the time, we're not even aware that it's happening?
The first step to solving a problem is finding its source. Do you feel like you keep falling for the wrong guys? Or maybe, do you know your relationship isn't for you but you feel the need to stay in it? Do you keep thinking that 'this time he'll be different,' or 'he's capable of changing'? Perhaps the problem lies somewhere else and you think maybe this person will fix things. Think hard... really hard about your past relationships with the opposite sex. Obviously 'Daddy Issues' isn't the answer to every relationship problem, but it could be your answer.
So if any of this resonates with you, then what do you do next? Jump ship from your current relationship? Say goodbye to ever looking at another man in bed without seeing your father instead? Nah. This isn't one of those twisted fairytales.
Now that you've found the source of your problem, be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Talk to them AND yourself about where your impulses may be coming from. Think about how serious some of your desires to change this person may be, and consider if it's worth it in the long run. Don't let your insecurities from your childhood dictate your future. Unfortunately, you can't change the past, and turning an emotionally unavailable man into an open book won't turn back time and create the father-daughter bond you've always wanted. But thank goodness it won't, because every relationship we have is a new story that doesn't have to end up like our parent's marriage.
Clearly I am one of those people that always had this notion in the back of my mind, scanning possible bachelors and ending up in another dysfunctional relationship, thinking there is no way out of this cycle. But each relationship is a new story, and while I can see my partner as a different person from my father, I can't change things about them that inherently upset me. I can, however, change my habit of falling prey to my insecurities that whisper, 'stay, wait and see,' while I know all along I've been miserable. The true way to win is to listen to your gut a.k.a. that first thought you have when you react to being ignored yet again or feeling unloved, those are your true desires trying to break free from your Electra that ties you to the past.
COAT - ZARA
TURTLENECK - FOREVER21
JEANS - URBAN OUTFITTERS
HEELS - TARGET
GLASSES - H&M
LIP LINER - RIMMEL - EPIC
JUMPSUIT - FOREVER21
JACKET - FOREVER21
HEELS - TARGET
JACKET - TOPSHOP
TOP - FOREVER 21
PANTS - ZARA
HEELS - TARGET
LIPSTICK - MAC
For the longest time I was told I wasn’t light enough. I wasn’t fair skinned enough and therefore, not beautiful enough. Okay, that’s colorism that most people - men and women - in the Desi community are familiar with. But get this: recently I’ve been told I’m not dark enough. “For what?” you ask. Not dark enough to have the right to be offended by colorism. Not dark enough to speak out about this issue. Not dark enough to know the pain of others darker than me who claim to have it worse. Well, it’s not a competition people. Colorism is an issue that I have personally dealt with, mostly throughout my childhood, and it has left a mark big enough for me to feel like it’s something I have somewhat of a responsibility to change. And I’ll gladly accept that responsibility and continue to speak out about this issue that is hushed by parents who still cling to that unfortunate cultural “safety” that fair skin provides their children in Desi communities. SO many people are made to feel inferior, abused, harassed, downgraded and bullied because they don’t meet this antiquated standard of beauty and status. So why on earth wouldn’t I do everything I can to change this standard and stand up for anyone who feels like this issue has impacted them negatively??? Speaking out about colorism isn’t about seeking pity or trying to follow a trend - it’s about empowering yourself AND others by letting them know that they aren’t alone and that any amount of pain they have felt isn’t insignificant. By saying someone’s not dark enough for something, you’re doing the EXACT same thing that you faced when you were told you weren’t light enough. Light skin, dark skin whatever - we’re all BROWN. Why divide us further? And why would you ever want to be anything other than what you are? You are beautiful ✌️✌🏻✌🏼✌🏽✌🏾✌🏿
s/o to @sruthijayadevan for undo-ing my writers block on this topic with her post 💕
Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by an Aunty for being too dark 🙋🏽♀️
I certainly have.
Thankfully my Mother raised me to embrace the sunlight and vitamin D that my generation so desperately needs, and I grew up watching her tell family and friends that the skin color of her daughters is PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL. Imagine that. Your non-indian Mother going head to head with her Punjabi in-laws questioning their standard of beauty. It’s always scary to be the first to make change in a generation where such things are so normalized. Well I don’t want to be part of a generation where this is normalized. Brown is beautiful - and you can quote me on that. So bring it on, Aunties.
TOP - TJ MAXX
JEANS - BERSHKA
HEELS - TARGET
SUNGLASSES - TARGET
LIPLINER - RIMMEL - RAVISH
"You're not Indian"
"You're not Guyanese"
Believe it or not I get this all the time. From friends and strangers - they’re constantly telling me I’m not Indian or I’m not Guyanese. Well I’m both by the way… For people of mixed decent this is something that happens frequently. For some reason people feel they have the right to decide what category we fit into in their eyes, and they expect us to agree with them. But no one has the right to tell you what you are. No one ever knows your full story. Just because someone else’s experience was different from yours, doesn’t make theirs wrong and yours right. They’re simply different.
I wanted to start posting about more personal topics on my Instagram and blog for a while now... but I never knew what to start with. I knew I feared criticism from others, but the truth is, there are always going to be people who disagree with you.
So I decided to start with the topic of multiracial people since it's something that's not talked about much and I can heavily relate to. Most people are only familiar with the issue in the terms of things like 'bi-racial' people (mostly black-white mix) or 'inter-religion' marriages. I hesitate using the word multiracial in this post because I don't even think I'm considered multiracial by definition. But that's the part I don't get. I am Guyanese and Indian (Punjabi). Although much of Guyana's population came there from India through indentured servitude, my Guyanese heritage is by no means the same as my Indian side. But that's a rant for another post.
What is the issue I'm talking about called? Well I don't really know of a name associated with this issue but it's almost like a kind of racism or discrimination. Racism defined by the dictionary is "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior."
So yes, I suppose it could be called racism. *edit: it's called internalized racism*.
My Mom once told me this story about a time when she was giving me a bath when I was a toddler. She asked me something like, do you know where our family is from? And I said, "of course I know! You're Chinese and Papa's French!" Ahh innocent children and their lack of a concept of race. Wouldn't the world be so much better if we were all like that? Devoid of stereotypes that essentially allow us to categorize people into racial and ethnic groups just from their appearance?
Later I learned I am half Guyanese (Mother's side) and half Indian, Punjabi, (Papa's side). I specifically remember having a realization sometime around middle school when I thought, "wow Guyana is in South America, that mean's I'm from South America! That's pretty cool. I don't think I know anyone from there!" I couldn't be more proud of both parts of the world that I come from.
** Let it be known that I know many people would say I'm just American because I was born here, in NYC. But I disagree - you are where you come from. You are your background and traditions. You are your heritage and ethnicity. You are not the location you were born in **
Unfortunately being mixed isn't always as glamorous as it may seem. There are a lot of issues that come with it that no one thinks about or talks about. The most obvious - being told what you are and what you aren't. Like I said, I get this ALL the time. I made a YouTube video a few years ago that was an 'Ethnicity Tag,' which is basically answering questions about your ethnicity. The questions were innocent, nothing controversial, and I was about 19 years old. You can still find the video on YouTube today. I talked about things like the food I eat at home, what languages I speak, and my favourite traditions. But the video was met with some HARSH criticism. Granted most of the criticism came from my remark about not having been to Guyana since it's a third world country and it's harder to travel to. Well it is a third world country and it is not easy to get to or get accustomed to - so that's the end of that. But the rest of the criticism was directed towards me, mostly questioning my heritage. Some people said I'm not Guyanese, I'm Indian because I look more Indian and I've been to India. Some people said I'm not truly Guyanese because I don't know anything about the culture. Some people said I'm just Indian because Guyanese people are from India. Some people said I'm not educated.
One person wrote : "India and Guyanese no offense to you probably the worst mix I've heard of. You need to do more research on you're GT side though. However you look straight up Indian."
That comment was a whole slew of racial bias.
Some people said my Mother didn't teach me anything. That I'm not Guyanese and that I'm disgracing their culture. Most people questioned my Guyanese side since apparently I look "straight up Indian." *rolls eyes*
Most of the people making these comments were Indian or Guyanese. I still wonder to this day why someone would so publicly hate on someone of their culture. We're all brothers and sisters, all siblings, even more so when we share an ethnicity. In fact the fact that everyone is basically your 'uncle' or 'aunty' or 'bhai' or 'didi' is a cultural norm SO integral to BOTH the Indian and Guyanese cultures. I would know - I'm both.
Unfortunately, this kind of internalized racism is not unknown to me. It is something that I have seen growing up, especially among Indians. The best example would be the classification of North and South India. Yes, they are pretty distinct and the classification serves as more than just a internalized racism enabler. But from what I've seen, so many Indians say "I'm from the North not the South," or vice versa, with a kind of disdain for the other half that makes me wonder why there are still civil wars in the world. And god forbid you mistake someone's state of origin within India. I see less and less of this as I get older and my generation loses some of the older close-minded traditions, but the internalized racism still persists in other ways. And don't get me wrong, I've seen plenty of this from Guyanese as well.
I will never forget this. One day I went over to a friend's house after school and her Grandparents were staying at her house. She is Indian, Gujurati more specifically, and was a pretty close friend of mine. When I walked in I politely introduced myself to her Grandfather and he started speaking to me in Hindi. I said "I don't speak Hindi" in Hindi - yeah I also think it was oxymoronic of me - and he looked over at one of my friends and they said "she doesn't speak Hindi" in Hindi. Then he finally got it. He looked back at me, furrowed his brow, and scoffed. Not even trying to hide it. "That was embarrassing," I thought. I was pretty used to that kind of treatment at that time. I was pretty old, maybe in 10th grade of high school. But that time it was just so in my face, I couldn't brush it off. "I'm Indian too!" I wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. I had learned how it went by then.
My entire life I had gotten this kind of treatment, especially from elders. Sometimes even from my peers. I think I'll write about that in another post. Elders would constantly talk to me in Hindi, and I would respond in English for the most part because I could understand enough - just not speak Hindi. But most of the time my English responses were met with confused Aunties and Uncles quick to ask someone who I was and why I couldn't speak or to just vacate the conversation all together. I would get a lot of judgmental questions about why I couldn't speak Hindi or Punjabi if I was Indian. Apparently being half Guyanese is not a good enough answer. A lot of people just didn't believe I was Guyanese because I looked so Punjabi. "At least one side wants me," I once thought. This was harder for my Sister since she doesn't quite look completely Indian or Guyanese. People asked about my parents, why they didn't teach me, where each was from. My Mother was met with countless questions about why she didn't learn Hindi or Punjabi after marrying my Father, why Guyanese people don't learn Hindi (which isn't true), why she didn't enroll my Sister and I in Hindi school, followed by disapproving looks and not so subtle gossiping.
Now this is not a grudge I hold against people of my own cultures. Why would I further this internalized racism? It is something that I have personally experienced and been offended by on many levels. Maybe you may not understand this issue specifically, because many are fortunate to never experience it, but it's the same thing as being left out. Everyone has felt that at one point or another. Whether it be having sat alone at lunch during high school, or not being part of a study group in college, we have all felt it. That kind of exclusion and discrimination cuts deep - especially when it comes from people who are supposed to be YOUR people. So I've decided to start talking about this more, because I'm sure there's at least one person in the world who can relate and I want them to know that they're not overreacting or being too sensitive. They're not supposed to change for those who won't accept them. As long as they know who they are and where they come from, that's all that matters.
Hopefully this has been less of a rant and more of me sharing a bit of my life story with you. I am going to continue to write on this topic as well as other aspects of my life and post it here and on my Instagram. Let me know what you think in the comments section and be sure to share any similar, or different, experiences that you have had! I'm always here to chat :)
