DADDY ISSUES: Why are we attracted to men just like our fathers?
By Unknown - December 04, 2018
Well, believe it or not, there's a lot more behind this than just the Electra complex.
A quick recount of our exes and the guys we've been with, might just show us some surprising similarities. But for some of us, meaning myself, maybe we had known all along...?
For those of us who don't have the best relationship with our father, our dream man is as polar opposite from him as can be. But somehow we always end up with some guy, tallying the similarities to our father, while we hope and pray that these things will change. But the reality is this: you can never count on anyone to change – only yourself.
Don't get me wrong – I love my Papa to the end, but we're just not compatible; so I've been determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. So back to the question, why do I always find myself with a guy who I can't help but see resemblance to my father?
Yes, I actually did research to find the answer to this one, and it goes deeper than a Neo-Freudian theory or Greek mythology.
The Electra Complex, or Carl Jung's psychoanalytic theory that we know informally as being a "Daddy's Girl," proposes that daughters are in competition with their mothers for possession of their father. Ha...How is it that childhood sentiments turn so dark so easily? It's like unearthing the Brothers Grimm newest, never-before-seen, twisted tale: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:" A battle between step-mother and step-daughter to be the fairest of them all. Or maybe the Brothers knew of this theory all along!
The logic continues... Basically the early communication between father and daughter serves as an example for interaction with the opposite sex later in the daughter's life. As infants we develop an idea of what 'love' is based on the caregivers in our lives, and we seek out that type of 'love' in our future sexual partners. Even lesbian women find themselves attracted to women like their mothers, or adopted mothers. It's not a genetic phenomena, it's just imprinting. That sense of familiarity is what we crave and we go looking for in our partners. And that's exactly why we are stuck in this cycle of ending up with guys who share shocking similarities with our father's.
In my research I found a quote by Relationship Therapist Dr. Judith Wright that made everything clear to me:
"You're picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around."
That explains the nagging voice in my head telling me to wait until he changes. Or maybe that voice is in my heart..
Is that why I'm hopelessly attracted to emotionally unavailable guys with addictive personalities who need saving from themselves? Because my father was absent from my life in an emotional capacity and I'm desperately trying to find someone like him to change into the attentive 'father figure' I've always wanted?
That would explain nearly every single dysfunctional relationship and interaction with a guy I've ever had. And let's be honest, I'm sure a lot of us who knew we didn't want a man like our inattentive fathers kept that in the back of our minds while we silently scanned each potential bachelor for an ounce of similarity to prep ourselves for the work that needed to be done. But at the same time, I always say, if you go searching hard enough to find something, you're going to find it. And the same goes for subconsciously trying to prepare yourself for your greatest fear, an empty partner who prolongs the emptiness you've felt growing up. If you keep looking for the tiniest similarity, you're going to find it and you're going to sabotage yourself.
This is not to say ignore the obvious warning signs. If a relationship is not going to work, it will reveal that to you. There's only a certain amount of time you can go around in circles, without progress, trying to fix something, or someone, who doesn't want to be fixed.
But what about avoiding the problem from the beginning? How does one avoid the pull of the Electra Complex when half the time, we're not even aware that it's happening?
The first step to solving a problem is finding its source. Do you feel like you keep falling for the wrong guys? Or maybe, do you know your relationship isn't for you but you feel the need to stay in it? Do you keep thinking that 'this time he'll be different,' or 'he's capable of changing'? Perhaps the problem lies somewhere else and you think maybe this person will fix things. Think hard... really hard about your past relationships with the opposite sex. Obviously 'Daddy Issues' isn't the answer to every relationship problem, but it could be your answer.
So if any of this resonates with you, then what do you do next? Jump ship from your current relationship? Say goodbye to ever looking at another man in bed without seeing your father instead? Nah. This isn't one of those twisted fairytales.
Now that you've found the source of your problem, be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Talk to them AND yourself about where your impulses may be coming from. Think about how serious some of your desires to change this person may be, and consider if it's worth it in the long run. Don't let your insecurities from your childhood dictate your future. Unfortunately, you can't change the past, and turning an emotionally unavailable man into an open book won't turn back time and create the father-daughter bond you've always wanted. But thank goodness it won't, because every relationship we have is a new story that doesn't have to end up like our parent's marriage.
Clearly I am one of those people that always had this notion in the back of my mind, scanning possible bachelors and ending up in another dysfunctional relationship, thinking there is no way out of this cycle. But each relationship is a new story, and while I can see my partner as a different person from my father, I can't change things about them that inherently upset me. I can, however, change my habit of falling prey to my insecurities that whisper, 'stay, wait and see,' while I know all along I've been miserable. The true way to win is to listen to your gut a.k.a. that first thought you have when you react to being ignored yet again or feeling unloved, those are your true desires trying to break free from your Electra that ties you to the past.
A quick recount of our exes and the guys we've been with, might just show us some surprising similarities. But for some of us, meaning myself, maybe we had known all along...?
For those of us who don't have the best relationship with our father, our dream man is as polar opposite from him as can be. But somehow we always end up with some guy, tallying the similarities to our father, while we hope and pray that these things will change. But the reality is this: you can never count on anyone to change – only yourself.
Don't get me wrong – I love my Papa to the end, but we're just not compatible; so I've been determined not to end up with anyone remotely like him. So back to the question, why do I always find myself with a guy who I can't help but see resemblance to my father?
Yes, I actually did research to find the answer to this one, and it goes deeper than a Neo-Freudian theory or Greek mythology.
The Electra Complex, or Carl Jung's psychoanalytic theory that we know informally as being a "Daddy's Girl," proposes that daughters are in competition with their mothers for possession of their father. Ha...How is it that childhood sentiments turn so dark so easily? It's like unearthing the Brothers Grimm newest, never-before-seen, twisted tale: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:" A battle between step-mother and step-daughter to be the fairest of them all. Or maybe the Brothers knew of this theory all along!
The logic continues... Basically the early communication between father and daughter serves as an example for interaction with the opposite sex later in the daughter's life. As infants we develop an idea of what 'love' is based on the caregivers in our lives, and we seek out that type of 'love' in our future sexual partners. Even lesbian women find themselves attracted to women like their mothers, or adopted mothers. It's not a genetic phenomena, it's just imprinting. That sense of familiarity is what we crave and we go looking for in our partners. And that's exactly why we are stuck in this cycle of ending up with guys who share shocking similarities with our father's.
In my research I found a quote by Relationship Therapist Dr. Judith Wright that made everything clear to me:
"You're picking somebody who has the same issues [as your father] so that you can fix it and do a better job this time around."
That explains the nagging voice in my head telling me to wait until he changes. Or maybe that voice is in my heart..
Is that why I'm hopelessly attracted to emotionally unavailable guys with addictive personalities who need saving from themselves? Because my father was absent from my life in an emotional capacity and I'm desperately trying to find someone like him to change into the attentive 'father figure' I've always wanted?
That would explain nearly every single dysfunctional relationship and interaction with a guy I've ever had. And let's be honest, I'm sure a lot of us who knew we didn't want a man like our inattentive fathers kept that in the back of our minds while we silently scanned each potential bachelor for an ounce of similarity to prep ourselves for the work that needed to be done. But at the same time, I always say, if you go searching hard enough to find something, you're going to find it. And the same goes for subconsciously trying to prepare yourself for your greatest fear, an empty partner who prolongs the emptiness you've felt growing up. If you keep looking for the tiniest similarity, you're going to find it and you're going to sabotage yourself.
This is not to say ignore the obvious warning signs. If a relationship is not going to work, it will reveal that to you. There's only a certain amount of time you can go around in circles, without progress, trying to fix something, or someone, who doesn't want to be fixed.
But what about avoiding the problem from the beginning? How does one avoid the pull of the Electra Complex when half the time, we're not even aware that it's happening?
The first step to solving a problem is finding its source. Do you feel like you keep falling for the wrong guys? Or maybe, do you know your relationship isn't for you but you feel the need to stay in it? Do you keep thinking that 'this time he'll be different,' or 'he's capable of changing'? Perhaps the problem lies somewhere else and you think maybe this person will fix things. Think hard... really hard about your past relationships with the opposite sex. Obviously 'Daddy Issues' isn't the answer to every relationship problem, but it could be your answer.
So if any of this resonates with you, then what do you do next? Jump ship from your current relationship? Say goodbye to ever looking at another man in bed without seeing your father instead? Nah. This isn't one of those twisted fairytales.
Now that you've found the source of your problem, be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Talk to them AND yourself about where your impulses may be coming from. Think about how serious some of your desires to change this person may be, and consider if it's worth it in the long run. Don't let your insecurities from your childhood dictate your future. Unfortunately, you can't change the past, and turning an emotionally unavailable man into an open book won't turn back time and create the father-daughter bond you've always wanted. But thank goodness it won't, because every relationship we have is a new story that doesn't have to end up like our parent's marriage.
Clearly I am one of those people that always had this notion in the back of my mind, scanning possible bachelors and ending up in another dysfunctional relationship, thinking there is no way out of this cycle. But each relationship is a new story, and while I can see my partner as a different person from my father, I can't change things about them that inherently upset me. I can, however, change my habit of falling prey to my insecurities that whisper, 'stay, wait and see,' while I know all along I've been miserable. The true way to win is to listen to your gut a.k.a. that first thought you have when you react to being ignored yet again or feeling unloved, those are your true desires trying to break free from your Electra that ties you to the past.
