I just came back from another meeting feeling empty and exhausted. Another day went by where I expended the little energy I had left to fight a losing battle. You ever walk into a meeting and you know nothing is going to be accomplished because everyone is just there for themselves? And as soon as you leave that room, all the agreements are forgotten and the bonds dissolved as the participants rush to disclose information to 'their people'.
We were all friends to begin with. Close friends with a common 'enemy' per say, that united us like none other. We spent countless hours together without a thought that this would end. I don't think anyone thought that they weren't safe, or maybe that was just me being naive. But then everything changed... and should I have seen it coming? Probably.
People are just so intent on always knowing things. And believe me, I'm like that too. A desire to be in control? Check. After all, knowledge is power and more knowledge means more power. But at school it goes beyond checking in on your BFF to see how her day was. It's not just checking in anymore, it's trying to get precious details about her relationship with a new guy. Those details add to their relationship's value. But as soon as the relationship doesn't seem like a profitable investment, those secrets aren't safe anymore and could be sold in a heartbeat. It's a power competition. A great stock exchange mediated by the most two faced brokers that buy and sell friendships like stock, in exchange for secrets and scandals that add to your profit and increase your buying power.
Friendship in college is sometimes, often times rather, a stock exchange of friendships. It's people competing to buy and sell each other depending on their worth and always for personal gain. Who can become the biggest shareholder of the most popular, and sought-after, stock. Friendships are bought and sold with eyes on the prize — personal gain and the most valuable portfolio filled with assets. No one is safe.
It's such as shame really because this isn't what college friendships are always like. There are some really amazing ones that make you feel like you've found your second family. There is no need for excessive display 'enjoyment' on Snapchat because you're already content with your people. You don't need to prove anything to anyone else. There is no fear that you might lose your investment. The relationship is safe, tucked away in your savings, never to be sold. There's trust and care and people actually put others before themselves. Secrets are safe and relationship shareholders are equal.
But then there's the other side — the 'watch your back' side. Or maybe the 'you should've watched your back side but now it's too late' side. The friendships that die out quick, that are short lived. They're like a sparkler that burns bright for a little while but is put out in seconds as soon as a shareholder thinks it's too much of a risky investment. Or maybe that it costs too much. Or maybe they rather invest elsewhere, in a more valuable relationship.
I say all this because this is the reality of life, not just college. Frankly I thought fake friends and selfish relationships were a thing of high school. I know that people come in and out of our lives naturally, unoffensively (is that a word?) — it's a fact that needs to be accepted, but it's also something that I struggle with. I am writing about this now because I think maybe I should've been more guarded. Maybe I should've watched my back. And this is hard for me because I can be a very opinionated person (I'm working on this). I don't get close to people easily, so when I do the walls just come crashing down and I trust before I fall and leap before I look.
No — this isn't just a salty rant. I have a feeling most of my personal blog posts are going to start out like this... but there's a point to all of them I promise! I guess I just wish I had been a little wiser before investing so much in others who had no intention of holding onto our relationship. There is SO MUCH pressure, especially on college girls, to find their 'soulmates' in Freshman year and have it all figured out. No I'm not talking about their romantic partner. I mean their group, their people, their girl-gang. Why do so many girls (and others, just speaking from my experience here) seek out a sorority within the first two years of college? Part of it is because there is that underlying pressure to find a family to stand by your side for the next 4 or so years...
... and there's nothing wrong with that — except for when that pressure leads you to hold onto the wrong people, and give yourself up for them. It happens. It's happened to me, a few times. I'm so sentimental I can hardly throw away a concert ticket, how am I supposed to throw away a person!? But the thing is, it's not throwing away a person, it's recognizing that what's best for you isn't someone who takes advantage of you. It isn't someone who's phone is filled with screenshots of your secrets. It's not someone who treats you like a sidekick. It's not someone who's only there to feel like they're on top. And it's certainly not a group of girls that sell out each other for secrets like their time is running out. Leave that situation immediately.
Believe me, there are better people out there. I know how distancing yourself from toxic people can feel. It feels like it's your loss right? Crazy how we still feel like we're losing even though we know what we've been through to come to this decision... The secrets behind your back, the invitations without your name on them... Even when you're making the right decision for yourself, you pause and wonder "what if things change?" NAH B. Friends don't intentionally hurt each other. And good people don't need to feel the power high that toxic people get when they sell out their 'friends' for attention.
Friendship in college is sometimes, often times rather, a stock exchange of friendships. It's people competing to buy and sell each other depending on their worth and always for personal gain. Who can become the biggest shareholder of the most popular, and sought-after, stock. Friendships are bought and sold with eyes on the prize — personal gain and the most valuable portfolio filled with assets. No one is safe.
It's such as shame really because this isn't what college friendships are always like. There are some really amazing ones that make you feel like you've found your second family. There is no need for excessive display 'enjoyment' on Snapchat because you're already content with your people. You don't need to prove anything to anyone else. There is no fear that you might lose your investment. The relationship is safe, tucked away in your savings, never to be sold. There's trust and care and people actually put others before themselves. Secrets are safe and relationship shareholders are equal.
But then there's the other side — the 'watch your back' side. Or maybe the 'you should've watched your back side but now it's too late' side. The friendships that die out quick, that are short lived. They're like a sparkler that burns bright for a little while but is put out in seconds as soon as a shareholder thinks it's too much of a risky investment. Or maybe that it costs too much. Or maybe they rather invest elsewhere, in a more valuable relationship.
I say all this because this is the reality of life, not just college. Frankly I thought fake friends and selfish relationships were a thing of high school. I know that people come in and out of our lives naturally, unoffensively (is that a word?) — it's a fact that needs to be accepted, but it's also something that I struggle with. I am writing about this now because I think maybe I should've been more guarded. Maybe I should've watched my back. And this is hard for me because I can be a very opinionated person (I'm working on this). I don't get close to people easily, so when I do the walls just come crashing down and I trust before I fall and leap before I look.
No — this isn't just a salty rant. I have a feeling most of my personal blog posts are going to start out like this... but there's a point to all of them I promise! I guess I just wish I had been a little wiser before investing so much in others who had no intention of holding onto our relationship. There is SO MUCH pressure, especially on college girls, to find their 'soulmates' in Freshman year and have it all figured out. No I'm not talking about their romantic partner. I mean their group, their people, their girl-gang. Why do so many girls (and others, just speaking from my experience here) seek out a sorority within the first two years of college? Part of it is because there is that underlying pressure to find a family to stand by your side for the next 4 or so years...
... and there's nothing wrong with that — except for when that pressure leads you to hold onto the wrong people, and give yourself up for them. It happens. It's happened to me, a few times. I'm so sentimental I can hardly throw away a concert ticket, how am I supposed to throw away a person!? But the thing is, it's not throwing away a person, it's recognizing that what's best for you isn't someone who takes advantage of you. It isn't someone who's phone is filled with screenshots of your secrets. It's not someone who treats you like a sidekick. It's not someone who's only there to feel like they're on top. And it's certainly not a group of girls that sell out each other for secrets like their time is running out. Leave that situation immediately.
Believe me, there are better people out there. I know how distancing yourself from toxic people can feel. It feels like it's your loss right? Crazy how we still feel like we're losing even though we know what we've been through to come to this decision... The secrets behind your back, the invitations without your name on them... Even when you're making the right decision for yourself, you pause and wonder "what if things change?" NAH B. Friends don't intentionally hurt each other. And good people don't need to feel the power high that toxic people get when they sell out their 'friends' for attention.
As soon as I realized all this, I took myself out of the situation and felt free. I no longer felt like I was the problem, like I wasn't worth enough to keep around or keep in the loop. I am at peace with myself knowing I am enough for the true friends that value me for the person I am, not a stock. The thing about the stock market is, you don't have to participate in it. And you don't have to be a part of the Friendship Stock Exchange either. The sooner you free yourself from the toxic people that gamble your worth, the sooner you'll realize that your best bet is to take yourself out of the Exchange, before someone makes that decision for you.
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