SONI KOHLI

BROWNGIRL

M E L A N I N. part 1

By Unknown - August 16, 2018

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Casual

JULY 28, 2018

By Unknown - August 01, 2018

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BROWNGIRL

Growing Up Half Guyanese and Half Indian

By Unknown - July 27, 2018

"You're not Indian"

"You're not Guyanese"

Believe it or not I get this all the time. From friends and strangers - they’re constantly telling me I’m not Indian or I’m not Guyanese. Well I’m both by the way… For people of mixed decent this is something that happens frequently. For some reason people feel they have the right to decide what category we fit into in their eyes, and they expect us to agree with them. But no one has the right to tell you what you are. No one ever knows your full story. Just because someone else’s experience was different from yours, doesn’t make theirs wrong and yours right. They’re simply different.

I wanted to start posting about more personal topics on my Instagram and blog for a while now... but I never knew what to start with. I knew I feared criticism from others, but the truth is, there are always going to be people who disagree with you.

So I decided to start with the topic of multiracial people since it's something that's not talked about much and I can heavily relate to. Most people are only familiar with the issue in the terms of things like 'bi-racial' people (mostly black-white mix) or 'inter-religion' marriages. I hesitate using the word multiracial in this post because I don't even think I'm considered multiracial by definition. But that's the part I don't get. I am Guyanese and Indian (Punjabi). Although much of Guyana's population came there from India through indentured servitude, my Guyanese heritage is by no means the same as my Indian side. But that's a rant for another post.

What is the issue I'm talking about called? Well I don't really know of a name associated with this issue but it's almost like a kind of racism or discrimination. Racism defined by the dictionary is "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior."

So yes, I suppose it could be called racism. *edit: it's called internalized racism*.

My Mom once told me this story about a time when she was giving me a bath when I was a toddler. She asked me something like, do you know where our family is from? And I said, "of course I know! You're Chinese and Papa's French!" Ahh innocent children and their lack of a concept of race. Wouldn't the world be so much better if we were all like that? Devoid of stereotypes that essentially allow us to categorize people into racial and ethnic groups just from their appearance?

Later I learned I am half Guyanese (Mother's side) and half Indian, Punjabi, (Papa's side). I specifically remember having a realization sometime around middle school when I thought, "wow Guyana is in South America, that mean's I'm from South America! That's pretty cool. I don't think I know anyone from there!" I couldn't be more proud of both parts of the world that I come from.

** Let it be known that I know many people would say I'm just American because I was born here, in NYC. But I disagree - you are where you come from. You are your background and traditions. You are your heritage and ethnicity. You are not the location you were born in **

Unfortunately being mixed isn't always as glamorous as it may seem. There are a lot of issues that come with it that no one thinks about or talks about. The most obvious - being told what you are and what you aren't. Like I said, I get this ALL the time. I made a YouTube video a few years ago that was an 'Ethnicity Tag,' which is basically answering questions about your ethnicity. The questions were innocent, nothing controversial, and I was about 19 years old. You can still find the video on YouTube today. I talked about things like the food I eat at home, what languages I speak, and my favourite traditions. But the video was met with some HARSH criticism. Granted most of the criticism came from my remark about not having been to Guyana since it's a third world country and it's harder to travel to. Well it is a third world country and it is not easy to get to or get accustomed to - so that's the end of that. But the rest of the criticism was directed towards me, mostly questioning my heritage. Some people said I'm not Guyanese, I'm Indian because I look more Indian and I've been to India. Some people said I'm not truly Guyanese because I don't know anything about the culture. Some people said I'm just Indian because Guyanese people are from India. Some people said I'm not educated.

One person wrote : "India and Guyanese no offense to you probably the worst mix I've heard of. You need to do more research on you're GT side though. However you look straight up Indian."

That comment was a whole slew of racial bias.

Some people said my Mother didn't teach me anything. That I'm not Guyanese and that I'm disgracing their culture. Most people questioned my Guyanese side since apparently I look "straight up Indian." *rolls eyes*

Most of the people making these comments were Indian or Guyanese. I still wonder to this day why someone would so publicly hate on someone of their culture. We're all brothers and sisters, all siblings, even more so when we share an ethnicity. In fact the fact that everyone is basically your 'uncle' or 'aunty' or 'bhai' or 'didi' is a cultural norm SO integral to BOTH the Indian and Guyanese cultures. I would know - I'm both.

Unfortunately, this kind of internalized racism is not unknown to me. It is something that I have seen growing up, especially among Indians. The best example would be the classification of North and South India. Yes, they are pretty distinct and the classification serves as more than just a internalized racism enabler. But from what I've seen, so many Indians say "I'm from the North not the South," or vice versa, with a kind of disdain for the other half that makes me wonder why there are still civil wars in the world. And god forbid you mistake someone's state of origin within India. I see less and less of this as I get older and my generation loses some of the older close-minded traditions, but the internalized racism still persists in other ways. And don't get me wrong, I've seen plenty of this from Guyanese as well.

I will never forget this. One day I went over to a friend's house after school and her Grandparents were staying at her house. She is Indian, Gujurati more specifically, and was a pretty close friend of mine. When I walked in I politely introduced myself to her Grandfather and he started speaking to me in Hindi. I said "I don't speak Hindi" in Hindi - yeah I also think it was oxymoronic of me - and he looked over at one of my friends and they said "she doesn't speak Hindi" in Hindi. Then he finally got it. He looked back at me, furrowed his brow, and scoffed. Not even trying to hide it. "That was embarrassing," I thought. I was pretty used to that kind of treatment at that time. I was pretty old, maybe in 10th grade of high school. But that time it was just so in my face, I couldn't brush it off. "I'm Indian too!" I wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. I had learned how it went by then.

My entire life I had gotten this kind of treatment, especially from elders. Sometimes even from my peers. I think I'll write about that in another post. Elders would constantly talk to me in Hindi, and I would respond in English for the most part because I could understand enough - just not speak Hindi. But most of the time my English responses were met with confused Aunties and Uncles quick to ask someone who I was and why I couldn't speak or to just vacate the conversation all together. I would get a lot of judgmental questions about why I couldn't speak Hindi or Punjabi if I was Indian. Apparently being half Guyanese is not a good enough answer. A lot of people just didn't believe I was Guyanese because I looked so Punjabi. "At least one side wants me," I once thought. This was harder for my Sister since she doesn't quite look completely Indian or Guyanese. People asked about my parents, why they didn't teach me, where each was from. My Mother was met with countless questions about why she didn't learn Hindi or Punjabi after marrying my Father, why Guyanese people don't learn Hindi (which isn't true), why she didn't enroll my Sister and I in Hindi school, followed by disapproving looks and not so subtle gossiping.

Now this is not a grudge I hold against people of my own cultures. Why would I further this internalized racism? It is something that I have personally experienced and been offended by on many levels. Maybe you may not understand this issue specifically, because many are fortunate to never experience it, but it's the same thing as being left out. Everyone has felt that at one point or another. Whether it be having sat alone at lunch during high school, or not being part of a study group in college, we have all felt it. That kind of exclusion and discrimination cuts deep - especially when it comes from people who are supposed to be YOUR people. So I've decided to start talking about this more, because I'm sure there's at least one person in the world who can relate and I want them to know that they're not overreacting or being too sensitive. They're not supposed to change for those who won't accept them. As long as they know who they are and where they come from, that's all that matters.

Hopefully this has been less of a rant and more of me sharing a bit of my life story with you. I am going to continue to write on this topic as well as other aspects of my life and post it here and on my Instagram. Let me know what you think in the comments section and be sure to share any similar, or different, experiences that you have had! I'm always here to chat :)